Femi-not-me

Someone asked me if I considered myself a feminist. As a guy, it felt weird saying “Yes.” I do believe that society shouldn’t limit or accelerate advantages, rights, or opportunities based on “qualifications” such as race, sex, OWL scores, or religion. If that makes me a feminist, then I suppose I qualify.

Except that many feminists took issue with me on this subject. (The sexists weren’t too thrilled with me, either. Isn't it nice that these two groups found something upon which they can agree?)

“Do you watch porn?”one enraged feminist asked me.

“Of course,” I said. I also assured her that I held no intentions of stopping anytime soon.

“Then you’re just another sexist asshole,” she informed me.

Hmm.

Is it willful ignorance on my part that I don’t see the connection? I asked a few female friends about this. For the most part, they agreed that whether I watched hardcore midget-on-farm-animal porn, soft porn, a Sears catalog, a girl dancing, or (on some particularly lonely days) an anime girl dancing (what the hell did we do at work before the invention of the internet, anyways?), I am, therefore, a disgusting pervert.

Worse, I’m a hypocrite for having masqueraded as a feminist by taking part in marches, voting democrat, and volunteering my time at a woman’s shelter. At best—so my female friends informed me—I do these things out of guilt, because deep down, I know I’m a sexist scumbag.

Hmm².

I can't help but wonder if they have a point. Then again, they’re probably just a bunch of crazy bitches.

Look. Watching women dance half-naked makes me happy. Okay? I can’t turn that off. I didn’t put this stuff online, but it’s there, whether I watch it or not. Can’t I just enjoy it without becoming a douche bag?

You may recall the television program The Man Show. It was hilarious—and the target of many feminist groups who found the material sexist. And it was. To guys. The material made fun of men. That didn’t seem to matter, though, because the show featured a group of half-naked, dancing women (they called themselves the Juggies, if I remember correctly).

It seems that my culpability is that I like to watch girls dance online or onstage. However, those girls don’t seem to mind. No one forced their participation, after all. At least, I hope not. Of course, those girls had every right to be there. They were hot, and well aware of it.

I believe this brings us to the real issue. I think a great portion of what upsets so many women regarding younger, better-looking women being “objectified” springs from insecurities about their own looks. That’s understandable. Unless you’re a guy.

You see, guy’s rarely think this way. We don’t have to. If we’re unattractive physically, we can make money or buy a sports car. We can seek a position of power, such as a Congressman, the CEO of a big bank, or a level eighty-three paladin (It’s the capes. Chicks dig capes). We can get a job doing something heroic. We have options.

I’m not saying that we fail to share our female counterparts’ insecurities. Our heroes while we grew up were athletes, Batman, James Bond. We honestly thought that we were supposed to be those guys. But we eventually realized that we could just be funny, make money, have a nice personality, drug ’em, or write poetry. Whatever.

You don’t hear too often about guys developing eating disorders. At worse, a guy might shoot-up steroids or buy a Hummer to improve his physical appearance. But guys usually abuse steroids to improve their athletic abilities, rather than their looks. And most guys settle for those Diet Hummers (the H2 or 3), which tell the world, “I have a small penis, but I can’t afford to compensate for it in full.”

Look. I enjoy watching girls dance, strip, and do other stuff that would turn Rick Santorum even whiter. It causes my tired, stressed-out, overworked, neurotic brain to release chemicals that make me happy. I swear, swear, that not one drop of those chemicals causes me to believe that a woman should receive lower wages than a man, be subjected to unwanted advances, or have to share an elevator with Rush Limbaugh (who wouldn’t fit in one, anyways).

I can enjoy looking at a painting and still respect it. Can’t I do the same with women?

Then again, maybe I am in denial. Maybe I am every bit as horrible as the usual lineup of disgusting sexists. I hope not. Do I get points for not wanting to be those people? How many points? Can I apply them to my OWL score?